<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Reconnection by PuzzleDragon</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23233552">Reconnection</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuzzleDragon/pseuds/PuzzleDragon'>PuzzleDragon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>L.A. By Night (Web Series), Vampire: The Masquerade</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Eva Deserves Nice Things, F/M, Fix-It, Mild Sexual Content, Nelli Gives Good Advice, Reconnecting to Humanity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:49:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,825</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23233552</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuzzleDragon/pseuds/PuzzleDragon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"There is something about my clan that helps people in situations such as yourself. We help Kindred get more in touch with their humanity. Perhaps maybe you and I can spend some time going over what helps you connect again."</i>
</p>
<p>Eva finally takes Nelli up on that offer.</p>
<p>(Canon divergent comfort fic set after "Hollywood Forever" and written before the premiere of the season four finale.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eva/Jasper (L.A. By Night)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Reconnection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've been working on this for a little while, but finally decided to sit down and actually finish it this week so I could post it before the season finale tonight. I know a lot's happened in the past few episodes, so I wanted to put some feel-good "Eva works through some things with Nelli's help" fic out into the world to help us all relax a bit.</p>
<p>It's canon divergent from the very end of Hollywood Forever onward—because I, too, was upset about Eva leaving—and contains some mild sexual content in the form of Jasper-related flashbacks. But with all that in mind, please enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nelli’s new office at the Roosevelt is gorgeous—gold accents and rich fabrics, a beautiful antique painting on one wall, an incredibly neat desk with a single blue rose in a thin glass vase in one corner, just the right balance between minimalism and personal touches scattered throughout the room. It is somehow both utterly timeless and exactly her style.</p>
<p>It’s a beautiful room, but Eva is a bit too nervous to fully appreciate it when she walks through the door for her meeting with the Baron.</p>
<p>“Thank you for taking the time to see me,” Eva says, sitting on the edge of one of the plush high-backed chairs that faces Nelli’s desk, “I know you’ve been busy, with the party and the barony and… everything else.”</p>
<p>“Nonsense,” Nelli waves her off, looking perfectly comfortable in her desk chair, like a queen perched upon her throne, “I always have time for my friends. So what is this little meeting about?”</p>
<p>Eva shifts in her chair. She’d been the one to call Nelli, asking to speak with her, but she still isn’t quite sure how to approach this particular topic.</p>
<p>“Do you remember, a few months ago, after I… after we dealt with Rodrigo… You said that your clan can help Kindred get in touch with their humanity…” </p>
<p>“And you’ve been feeling a little disconnected?”</p>
<p>“Yes, I suppose you could say that.”</p>
<p>“And you want my help to reconnect?”</p>
<p>“If you’re still willing.”</p>
<p>A smile blooms on Nelli’s face.</p>
<p>“I’m more than happy to help. Just sit back, relax, and I’ll walk you through things. Do you want anything to drink?" She gestures to the wet bar in one corner of the office. "I have a few different blood types on hand for emergencies and guests. I’m sure I’ve got something to fit your tastes if you want a snack.”</p>
<p>“No, thank you, I’m… fine.”</p>
<p>“Alright, then just relax.”</p>
<p>It’s a simple enough request, but try as she might, Eva still can’t seem to oblige. She’d made the call, she’d asked for help, but actually accepting the help she needs still feels rather intimidating.</p>
<p>“How do we… do this? Is there a ritual or…?”</p>
<p>“No, Eva, not every clan’s abilities are like thaumaturgy. I’m just going to talk to you, walk you through something close to a guided meditation, offer some advice. Very basic, human ways of working through a problem of self-care.”</p>
<p>Nelli’s voice is teasing, but not cruel.</p>
<p>“Okay, I take your point,” Eva sighs, forcing herself to release some of the tension from her shoulders.</p>
<p>“I’m just going to ask you a few questions to start,” Nelli says, “You don’t <em> have to </em>answer anything—we’re all entitled to our secrets and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable—but the more open you are, the more likely it is I can actually help. Okay?”</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>“Now,” Nelli begins, crossing her legs primly as she settles back in her chair, “What’s been bothering you lately?”</p>
<p>Eva doesn’t need to think about that. She knows, she’s known for a while now. But after what happened with the ley lines and the Magic Castle—after she heard about the mortals she’d nearly injured, nearly<em> killed </em> in the process, and after she realized she almost didn’t feel bad about the potential casualties in her quest for revenge—she knew she needed to do something to rein herself in.</p>
<p>“Strauss,” Eva says, the name weighing like poison on her tongue, “I want him dead.”</p>
<p>“Wanting to hurt your abuser, wanting him gone, is a very human reaction to trauma. You are allowed to feel that rage.”</p>
<p>Eva knows a little of what happened with Chaz from Jasper—not all of the story, maybe not even most of it—but enough to know that Nelli speaks from experience on this matter. Nelli understands this pain, this aching desire for violence, and Eva is grateful that she does not need to explain herself in this.</p>
<p>“But I’ve been so focused on destroying him,” Eva says, “That I’ve… lost track of myself, a little bit. I know the anger is okay, but the more I give into that anger… the less of me seems to be left.”</p>
<p>“And when you finally get rid of what’s causing that anger, what happens to what’s left of you?”</p>
<p>“I’ve started to wonder.”</p>
<p>“That’s why we check in with ourselves, before it gets to the point that we’re trying to pull back from our own rage and hurt. We try to… maintain humanity, rather than regain it once it’s lost.”</p>
<p>“So… what do I do?”</p>
<p>“That depends on you,” Nelli says gently, “What works for one Kindred might not work for another. What works for me probably wouldn’t work for Jasper, and what works for you might be entirely different. So, what I’m going to do tonight, is walk you through that process of discovery. Find the things that work for you—things you might already be doing that just need some intention behind them or even things you haven’t considered yet.”</p>
<p>“Okay.” Having a clear idea of what Nelli has in mind for the evening helps Eva relax a little and she settles back into her chair.</p>
<p>“Now, what makes you happy?” Nelli asks.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“What makes you happy? Big things, little things—anything outside of Kindred specific activities. So, no hunting, no feeding, no biting—for you, that also means no thaumaturgy. Within those parameters, what makes you happy?”</p>
<p>“Um… music, reading, nature,” Eva lists off, hesitating for a moment before adding with a slightly wistful sigh, “Jasper.” </p>
<p>“Good, nice broad categories. We can work with that. And what made you happy when you were alive? Anything different?”</p>
<p>“Much the same. I mean, I didn’t have Jasper then but… I loved music, being outside, helping people…”</p>
<p>“We’d probably be dead several times over if it weren’t for all the help you’ve given us since we met. You still help people, Eva.” </p>
<p>“I suppose,” Eva smiles a little sadly, thinking of the work she did with the Peace Corps before her Embrace, “But it’s not quite the same as… what I did before.” </p>
<p>“I understand,” Nelli says gently, clearly knowing better than to pursue that particular line of questioning.</p>
<p>A moment of silence stretches out between them before Eva adds, “I suppose I used to dance back then, too.”</p>
<p>“Used to? Why not anymore?” Nelli asks, easily falling back into the rhythm of their conversation. </p>
<p>Eva laughs quietly. “Not much opportunity these nights.”</p>
<p>“You’ve refused all our invitations to the club.”</p>
<p>“Crowds don’t exactly agree with me anymore.”</p>
<p>It wasn’t always like this. There was a time when Eva—when Evangeline—was most at home in a crowd. When she wanted nothing more than to be in the center of it all.</p>
<p>
  <em> Evangeline marched in the streets, the words to a dozen protest songs lingering on her tongue, each one setting the beat of their collective stride as they made their voices heard. No war, no draft—no more pointless death. Not here, not now, not anywhere in the world. She sang and screamed until her throat was raw. Evangeline spat blood in a cop’s face when he tried to arrest her and she thought nothing of it. Evangeline carried those bruises with pride.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Evangeline swayed in a crowded field in New York state and watched colors that didn’t exist swirl through the air as the music enveloped her in a drug-addled embrace. Evangeline danced in the rain with a woman in black. Evangeline danced. </em>
</p>
<p>Nelli’s voice cuts through Eva’s memories.</p>
<p>“Nothing wrong with dancing alone… or with Jasper, if he feels up to it. Doing something that you enjoyed while you were alive but haven’t done since your Embrace can be a very good way to get back in touch with your own humanity. Non-violent physical activity is also a very good way to ground yourself.” A knowing smile spreads across Nelli’s face. “And I saw you dancing at my party the other night, you’re not bad.”</p>
<p>Eva laughs again. “I was very high at your party.”</p>
<p>“Doesn’t change the fact that you’re still a pretty decent dancer.”</p>
<p>“I just meant… I wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable dancing in front of others under… normal circumstances.”</p>
<p>Nelli looks her over for a moment before asking her next question, “While we’re on the subject of 'normal circumstances,' where do the drugs fit into this equation?”</p>
<p>Eva hesitates. She doesn’t usually discuss this with people. Explaining it to Jasper was a sign of trust, a way of letting him a little deeper into her life and her past. But she trusts Nelli, doesn’t she? Not as much as Jasper, of course, but enough to be honest about something that she knows Nelli is perceptive enough to have probably already pieced together on her own by now. </p>
<p>“They… help me feel alive,” Eva finally settles on, choosing her words carefully.</p>
<p>“Something you did in life?”</p>
<p>She nods. “It helps me… remember who I used to be, what I wanted then.”</p>
<p>“Brings back memories?”</p>
<p>Eva nods again. There is no judgement in Nelli’s voice, simply compassionate understanding. It makes Eva wonder what Nelli’s done to hang on to her own memories over the years. She decides not to pry, but that sense of connection lingers between them all the same.</p>
<p>“There’s nothing wrong with having a little fun, Eva,” Nelli says after a moment, “Especially if it helps you remember what it was like to be human. Anything that keeps us from losing ourselves can’t be all bad. Especially if you have those… preferences under control.”</p>
<p>“I know my limits,” Eva replies, “My tolerance is high, but I still know what’s too much for me. I… know where the line is… between feeling a little more free and not being myself anymore.”</p>
<p>“As long as you keep that in mind and you're not hurting anyone else, enjoy yourself however you want to.”</p>
<p>Eva smiles, reminded once again why she has long thought Nelli would have made an excellent mother. That life path may be closed to her now, but that doesn’t stop her from looking after those she cares about. Eva feels genuinely honored to be included on that list.</p>
<p>Nelli returns her smile and adds, “And don’t be afraid to dance, even if you’re sober. Exercise that doesn’t involve fighting, hunting, or fleeing for our lives helps keep us human.”</p>
<p>Eva sighs, but doesn’t argue. She was the one who came searching for advice, after all.</p>
<p>“A lot of what I suggest tonight might sound ridiculous,” Nelli tells her, sensing her hesitation, “But that doesn’t mean it isn’t helpful to at least consider it.”</p>
<p>“Alright,” Eva concedes.</p>
<p>“So, if dancing was something you enjoyed when you were alive, consider doing it again. Simple, right? Now, you mentioned music. What did you listen to when you were alive?”</p>
<p>“Janis Joplin has always been my favorite.” Nelli smiles as though that makes perfect sense. “But I enjoyed a lot of different things back then. Jefferson Airplane, The Beatles, David Bowie, Jimi Hendrix, Big Brother and the Holding Company…”</p>
<p>She lists them off on her fingers, trying to recall all the names in the carefully protected record collection that’s followed her across the country.</p>
<p>“And what do you listen to now?”</p>
<p>“The same.”</p>
<p>“Brings back memories? Feels familiar, comforting?”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Nelli says, leaning forward in her chair, “Having music that reminds you of what you did when you were alive is a great path—gives you a sense memory, so you don’t forget. But you can’t just live in the past. You should find new music that you like to add to the rotation along with your old favorites.” Nelli pauses to consider before adding, “Try Florence and the Machine, I think you’d like her. And there’s been a lot of other women having big emotions with loud guitars since you were last at a concert. If you want, I can set you up with Spotify and you can find tons of new things to listen to.”</p>
<p>“Spotify?” Eva asks, the word feeling awkward in her mouth. She’s sure it’s something that’s passed her by during the past forty years of isolation from the ever-changing world around her.</p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s what Annabelle uses to listen to music. It’s like…” Nelli thinks, trying to find a proper analogy, “A digital record library that can point you in the direction of new albums based on what you’re already listening to.”</p>
<p>“I don’t think I would mind… that.”</p>
<p>“Good. I’ll walk you through it another time. Or I could ask Jasper to help you with it if you’d prefer. But we have more to cover tonight.” Nelli looks her over again before saying, “Beyond listening to music, playing music can be very relaxing… and very human. Do you play anything?”</p>
<p>“Not really.”</p>
<p>
  <em> Evangeline sat by a bonfire, the smell of weed mingling with the campfire smoke. A man and a woman both played drums across from her, building their own rhythm together. Another man—dark hair and green eyes and tan skin—played acoustic guitar at her side. He placed the instrument in her lap and sat behind her. He guided her arms to hold the guitar, curling her fingers around the frets and moving her other hand to strum a few notes. Evangeline giggled and followed his lead, letting him play chords with her hands as he placed a kiss on her neck, burying his nose in her red hair.  </em>
</p>
<p>“I dabbled in guitar,” Eva adds, “Back in the day everyone in the… circles I ran in seemed to have one… some of them taught me a few chords. I don’t think I’d remember any of it now, though.”</p>
<p>“I could get you real lessons when things quiet down a little,” Nelli says, as if it’s nothing, as if the whole city is at her beck and call, “If you wanted to learn, that is.”</p>
<p>“I appreciate the offer but… I generally choose to avoid most people.”</p>
<p>“And why’s that?”</p>
<p>“It’s safer. I’m a bit…” Eva glances down at her hands folded carefully in her lap, her bone white skin standing out sharply against the blood red of her skirt. “Recognizable. The fewer people I interact with, the safer I am from those who still hold a grudge against me.”</p>
<p>“I can understand that,” Nelli says, twisting a lock of her blue hair around her finger, “But there’s other ways to learn, too. Online videos and tutorials. If you’d like to learn to play, I’d be more than happy to walk you through how to get started.”</p>
<p>“Thank you. But I’m… alright for now, I think.”</p>
<p>“Alright.” Nelli nods, dropping the subject and crossing her legs as she thinks. “You also mentioned nature as something that makes you feel happy, right?” </p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>“Nature’s alive so it helps you feel alive?”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>“And what do you love best about it? The flowers?” she asks, nodding to Eva’s ever-present circlet of dried flowers.</p>
<p>“The rain.”</p>
<p>
  <em> Evangeline stood in a crowded field in New York, her mind lost in a haze of drugs, as the skies opened. The rain and thunder drowned out the music, sent performers running for cover, but she didn’t care. Evangeline threw her head back and laughed and let the rain splash against her face. She grabbed Katya’s hands, pulling her into the summer storm. They danced to the symphony of it all, spinning recklessly among all those other bodies, their feet splashing in puddles, heedless of the mud. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Evangeline learned later that she had lightning in her veins, that she was one with the storms she loved so dearly. Even when locked away in a New York chantry, Evangeline never stopped loving the rain. </em>
</p>
<p>“Sorry there isn’t more of it in L.A. then,” Nelli says and Eva is almost surprised by how sincere she sounds.</p>
<p>“It’s alright,” she replies, “Makes it all the more special when it does happen.”</p>
<p>The rain used to be a pleasant reminder of another life, of lovely things that happened long ago on the other side of the country and across the sea. Now storms are more bittersweet. Rain is rare here in L.A., but when it does fall, her mind still turns to Katya—no longer a memory lost to the final death, but a flesh and blood woman trapped in the Ivory Tower.</p>
<p>There is still joy in the memories the rain calls up, but now there is a new sadness to add to the old. </p>
<p>“Savor that,” Nelli says, reading Eva's expression even if she does not know the details, “Savor how special it is to see and hear and <em>feel</em> a storm. Savor those memories but do not let them weigh you down. The rain may remind you of the past, but it also brings new life. Never forget that. The rain cleanses. And it helps the flowers grow.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t expect poetry tonight,” Eva replies with a slight smile.</p>
<p>“Toreador, darling. Sometimes we can’t help it.”</p>
<p>That makes Eva laugh despite herself. Nelli, in spite of all her bravado and flirtatiousness, knows how to put someone at ease and for that, Eva is always grateful.</p>
<p>“Speaking of my clan,” Nelli continues, “This seems like as good a place as any to work through a sort of guided meditation to help you reconnect.”</p>
<p>“Alright… what should I…?” Eva asks tentatively.</p>
<p>“Just close your eyes and listen to me, alright?”</p>
<p>Eva nods and closes her eyes, trying her best to relax.</p>
<p>“Now,” Nelli begins, “Picture yourself in a natural space, one that brings you joy. It doesn’t have to be a real place, but imagine it in as much detail as possible.”</p>
<p>Eva can call to mind the beauty of Griffith Park with ease. The trees, the rolling hills, the hiking paths and open fields. It is a good place, a good home. From the moment she set foot within its boundaries, she knew it would always be her favorite place in L.A. In her mind’s eye, she sits on the hillside by the Observatory. She can feel the grass under her palms, can breathe in the familiar scent of the night air. Above her, the stars sparkle in a midnight sky. They are not quite as bright in real life, but in her mind she can see them in all their dazzling brilliance.</p>
<p>She smiles to herself.</p>
<p>“Nature is its own kind of wild, reckless beauty,” Nelli says gently, “It is so alive and so magnificent. Spend time in it when you can, make time to experience it. Let the rain wash over you. Let the smell of the flowers and the grass fill your lungs. Just because we don’t need to breathe doesn’t mean we shouldn’t remind ourselves what it feels like. We are still a part of that world, even when we feel so separate from it. Walk through it, interact with it, know that we are still part of the cycle of life and death that guides everything in the natural world. Our timeline is just on a much larger scale.”</p>
<p>Eva imagines rain now, light and gentle, little more than a mist on her skin as she stares up at the sky, the shadows of clouds moving in front of a beautiful full moon.</p>
<p>“You garden, right?” Nelli asks.</p>
<p>Eva nods silently, eyes still closed. </p>
<p>“Good. Gardening is the human act of bringing care and order to a wild world. It is about tending to life. It’s about caring for something that needs us. It is so very human. Never forget why it brings you joy, Eva.” </p>
<p>Eva nods again, picturing her garden: sage and thyme, milkweed and nightshade, rosemary and wolfsbane. And more flowers, besides. Most of her garden is dedicated to ritual ingredients now, but she still grows flowers when she can—bright colors and beautiful shapes blooming under her careful ministrations, each one reliant on her in a way that gives her nights some sense of purpose.</p>
<p>“Now,” Nelli says, “Let those images go and return to this moment, knowing that there is still value in nature even if we cannot enjoy it in the sun as we once did.”</p>
<p>Eva lets out a sigh—releasing a breath she doesn't technically need as a way of checking in with her own body once again—and opens her eyes. She feels more at ease now, more relaxed. After four months underground, she’d forgotten how much being in the park helps her stay in touch with herself. She loves sharing a haven with Jasper—loves their library and how much space they have and that he’s there with her—but she makes a promise to herself to spend more time in Griffith Park in the coming nights.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” she says.</p>
<p>“It’s what I’m here for.” Nelli smiles before rising to her feet.</p>
<p>“Is that all for tonight?” Eva asks, as Nelli moves out from behind her desk.</p>
<p>“Not in the slightest,” she answers, moving over to the mini fridge positioned next to the wet bar, “I just need a drink. Are you sure you don’t want anything?”</p>
<p>“No, I’m… fine,” Eva says as Nelli gestures to the carefully organized bottles of red liquid inside the fridge, “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“Suit yourself.” Nelli picks one up and pours some of its contents into a waiting wine glass. Any uninformed observer might just assume it was wine, but Eva can smell the sharp, enticing tang of iron in the air. </p>
<p>“So,” Nelli begins, bringing the glass to her lips as she sits down behind the desk again, “Tell me about you and Jasper.”</p>
<p>If Eva could still blush, she would. It’s not that she’s embarrassed about their relationship—far from it—she just isn’t used to discussing it with anyone but him. While the existence of their relationship is well-known among the coterie and their associates, they are both still private people who like to keep the details of their romance behind closed doors.</p>
<p>“What about… us?” Eva asks carefully.</p>
<p>“You said he makes you happy.”</p>
<p>“He does,” she responds, a hint of defensiveness creeping into her voice.</p>
<p>“I don’t doubt it,” Nelli soothes, “You don’t need to defend his honor to me, you two seem very happy together. But like anything else we talk about tonight, I have to help you examine why he makes you happy, so that you can focus in on what about that emotion is distinct from the feelings that come from satisfying your Beast. Does that make sense?”</p>
<p>“Yes. I suppose.”</p>
<p>“So,” Nelli begins again, “What do you and Jasper do when you have some time to yourselves?”</p>
<p>“We… read together.”</p>
<p>“Aww, cute. You two all curled up on the couch together with some old books?”</p>
<p>
  <em> Eva guided the book out of Jasper’s hands and climbed into his lap. He discarded the half-finished text on the side table and placed his hands on her waist as she straddled his hips. He growled beneath her, a low rumble of anticipation as her hands slid up his chest. She tilted his head back to look at her and smiled down at him. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “No more studying tonight,” she whispered, her lips only a hairsbreadth from his. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “We deserve a break,” he breathed, his own smile matching hers before she captured his mouth in a hungry kiss.  </em>
</p>
<p>“Yes, exactly,” Eva answers, trying to hide her smile at one of many memories of kissing Jasper senseless in their library. Sometimes they do just read, but it is rarely all they do.</p>
<p>“What else?” Nelli prompts.</p>
<p>“We… work together. Research and thaumaturgy and exploring the Labyrinth. Other projects. Things like that.”</p>
<p>“What about things that aren’t work?”</p>
<p>“We… talk,” Eva settles on, “Sometimes we cuddle and just… talk.”</p>
<p>Nelli furrows her eyebrows, giving her a look of deep concern.</p>
<p>“Eva,” she says seriously, “When was the last time you and Jasper had date night?”</p>
<p>“Does your party the other night count?” Eva asks awkwardly.</p>
<p>Nelli looks scandalized.</p>
<p>“No! As fabulous as it was, that was all politics and performance. The rest of the coterie was on high alert, Jasper was fielding questions from strangers most of the night, and you spent more time dancing with X than your boyfriend. That does <em> not </em> count as date night.”</p>
<p>“Then… not in a while.”</p>
<p>“How long?”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Moy bagrovyy lepestok…” he said, “No one calls me nice things. … I like it—it’s nice, it’s cute.”  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> A library and a Labyrinth and a series of ley lines. Laughter, easy for the first time in a long time. And yes, all-consuming darkness and threatening shadows and a painful burn across her palm. But also new discovery and his hand in hers, her hand on his cheek. She kissed him. He kissed her back. A mid-air embrace and a night spent together, curled up on his couch, caught somewhere between kissing and studying. Just enjoying each other’s time and space.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> She climbed into bed next to him just before the sun rose, both of them readjusting their positions until their bodies finally fit together comfortably. That first time… </em>
</p>
<p>It feels like a lifetime ago.</p>
<p>“A few months?”</p>
<p>“As far as I know you’ve only really been dating for a few months…” When Eva doesn’t correct her on that point, she continues, clearly shocked, “That is unacceptable, Eva! You two need to spend some alone time together.”</p>
<p>“We live together, Nelli. We’ve spent the past four months alone together.”</p>
<p>Eva does not mention her trips to see Katya. She’s only just started explaining that situation to Jasper, she doesn’t need anyone else making assumptions about those meetings.</p>
<p>“You need to spend some time alone together,” Nelli clarifies, “that you both decide is special and important and just for you. No work, no interruptions, no research for Victor or for me or for anyone. It doesn’t have to be a big thing or a special occasion—anniversaries are nice, but you don’t have to wait for one to make a big deal out of your partner. Just take a break from your normal routine and… do something special, whatever that means for you two.”</p>
<p>“Going out isn’t really something we can do, though, all things considered.”</p>
<p>“And I get that. Doesn’t have to be a fancy night out. You can spend date night staying in. Go for a walk in Griffith Park, watch a movie together, teach Jasper how to dance, whatever. Get dressed up and do whatever will make both of you happy and then end the night with some really great sex. Date night achieved.”</p>
<p>Eva stiffens and stares down at her hands. Everyone’s been asking about their sex life lately it seems, but Nelli’s the only one who says it without some twisted curiosity or teasing behind her words. She isn’t embarrassed by the thought or trying to embarrass them, she’s just more comfortable with discussing sex than most. </p>
<p>Nelli seems to sense Eva’s hesitation and adds, “Ending the night with sex, great or otherwise, is completely optional. It’s absolutely fine if that’s not something you two are into or if you’re not there just yet. There is nothing wrong with taking your relationship at your own pace. You don’t have to tell me anything about your sex life, including whether or not it even exists, but knowing what kind of… physical relationship you two have will help me give more concrete advice as part of my guidance.”</p>
<p>Her words are reassuring and free of judgement. She really does just want to help, Eva decides.</p>
<p>“It is,” Eva says quietly, “Something we do.”</p>
<p>“And how’s that going?”</p>
<p>“Really well, actually.”</p>
<p>“How far?”</p>
<p>“What?” Eva looks up from the loose thread she’s been toying with to distract herself, eyes wide at Nelli’s question.</p>
<p>“How far have you two gone? Kissing is a given, I assume, but beyond that? Touching over clothes, under? Naked? Hands, oral, intercourse… feeding off each other?”</p>
<p>Nelli doesn’t speak clinically, but she does speak frankly. There is no hesitation for her when it comes to this particular topic. This is natural, this is normal, and she’s more than willing to discuss it. It shouldn’t surprise Eva, given the reputation of Nelli’s clan, but such a direct question still catches her off-guard.</p>
<p>“I, um… I don’t necessarily want to talk about… those details,” Eva mumbles back.</p>
<p>“Yes, sorry, you’re right,” Nelli immediately course corrects upon realizing Eva’s discomfort, “That’s your business to keep as private as you’d like. I won’t pry. My only advice is that wherever you are, continue at whatever speed you’re both comfortable with and have fun. Okay?”</p>
<p>“Yes, we’re… yes.”</p>
<p>If Nelli wants to extrapolate from Eva’s hesitancy that she and Jasper are still fumbling teenagers, making out on the couch, barely daring to let their hands wander below hemlines, then let her. Nelli doesn’t need to know the actual details of what they get up to when they’re alone together.</p>
<p>“Alright,” Nelli continues, “So, without the need for any specifics, you’re both enjoying yourselves?”</p>
<p>
  <em> “Blush for me… please,” Eva murmured, trailing her hands down his bare chest, tracing the network of black veins that branched out from his heart. He shuddered into warmth beneath her, arching his back and growling as her nails scraped over his nipples. He leaned up to kiss her before she could even tell him he’d done well, capturing her mouth with his once again. Fangs teased skin as their tongues met, one of his hands sinking into her soft hair as she scratched at the back of his neck. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Do you want to be on top tonight?” she asked when he moved to kiss his way down her neck,  “Or do you want me to be in charge?”  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Jasper growled against her fluttering pulse point. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Want you in charge,” he managed, his voice rough with desire as his nails dug into her back. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “Good.”  </em>
</p>
<p>Eva smiles to herself. “Very much so, yes.”</p>
<p>“That’s good. That means I don’t need to go into the lecture on how sex should be enjoyable for everyone involved.”</p>
<p>“That won’t be necessary, Nelli. I… have some experience, after all… and I have been around a bit longer than you,” Eva reminds her with a smile.</p>
<p>“Which just means you had vintage sex ed.”</p>
<p>“And lived through the free love movement.”</p>
<p>“Fair enough, point taken,” Nelli concedes, “But on that topic… what does Jasper do that you like?”</p>
<p>Nelli asks it so casually, as if other people’s sex lives are just part of her usual small talk. And maybe they are. Toreador have always been more… open about their physical relationships than most Kindred. Maybe all of their clan gatherings begin with a casual recounting of one’s most recent love affairs—Eva wouldn’t be all that surprised.</p>
<p>“I, um, don’t—” Eva starts before Nelli raises one perfectly manicured finger to cut her off.</p>
<p>“I don’t need to know specifics. And I’m not asking for them. You don’t even need to tell me anything if you’re not comfortable doing so. Just… close your eyes and think about what it is he does that you like.”</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“Reconnecting with your humanity, remember? This is part of my process.”</p>
<p>Eva sighs and closes her eyes again.</p>
<p>“Whatever it is,” Nelli says as Eva begins recalling some of her favorite encounters, “Focus on it. Focus on how what he does makes you feel.”</p>
<p>Eva does as she’s told, memories coming to her in flashes—Jasper’s clever hands on her chest and his mouth on her neck; the way he growls against her skin, low and wanting, as she strokes him; the way he moans beneath her when she rides him; his head between her thighs, his tongue on her, licking and sucking and teasing until she screams; the indescribable ecstasy of the Kiss as his fangs sink into her warm flesh—and it’s… a lot to concentrate on when she’s supposed to be having a coherent conversation with another person.</p>
<p>For once she is glad that her heartbeat can’t quicken without her willing it to start again. It allows her to maintain some semblance of propriety as Nelli continues speaking to her. </p>
<p>“Do you have something in mind?” she asks, her voice cutting through Eva’s thoughts once again.</p>
<p>“Yes…” Eva answers, shifting in her seat and toying with the cuff of her sleeve even as her eyes remain resolutely shut.</p>
<p>“Good,” Nelli replies without a hint of discomfort, “Those things he does turn you on, get you off, however you want to think of it. But they also make you feel alive, right? Because they make you feel good in a way that’s different from feeding. That’s separate from your Beast. Because they keep you in touch with your body, with what the body you’ve had for your entire existence still likes. It’s natural, it’s human—for most of us, at least, for those of us who were inclined toward those desires in life. Don’t shy away from that pleasure. But also, don’t…”</p>
<p>Nelli pauses for a moment, choosing her words carefully before continuing, “Don’t <em> use </em> him. Unlike some members of my clan, I will actually remind you that Jasper is not a tool or a toy for your own self-actualization. Buy yourself a vibrator if you need that. But with that said, never feel guilty for wanting him, for wanting pleasure and wanting it with another person who wants you in return. I know there’s a war and politics and revenge on your mind, but don’t feel guilty for letting yourself get distracted by him, for letting what makes you happy take precedence. Don’t let your Beast tell you it doesn’t matter or that you shouldn’t waste your time. And don’t let your own anxieties convince you of that, either. Wanting your partner, liking what they do to you and for you, is very, <em> very </em> human. And reminding yourself of how good that can feel when you’re feeling disconnected can be very good for your mental and emotional well-being. And for your relationship.”</p>
<p>Eva listens silently, taking in Nelli’s words. While Eva knows these things already, putting language to them makes them feel far more real, more tangible somehow. Her perspective remains the same—she has always known that sex is good for her mind and her body, that Jasper is his own person and a willing participant who enjoys sharing pleasure with her as much as she enjoys sharing it with him, that wanting him the way she does is a reflection of her own experience of humanity—but Nelli’s guidance helps to formalize that innate understanding into concrete thoughts. That knowledge sets her at ease.</p>
<p>“Now, let those images go and come back to yourself, here and now.”</p>
<p>Eva slowly opens her eyes to see Nelli smiling across from her, legs crossed and wine glass in hand.</p>
<p>“That’s the humanity reconnection part, but the general Nelli G advice boils down to this,” she says, leaning forward, “If you like something, tell him. Be vocal. Don’t make him read your mind. There’s no shame in communicating what turns you on. A little guidance can go a long way. Don’t settle for—”</p>
<p>“I don’t need this part of the lecture,” Eva cuts her off.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>Eva chooses her words carefully, wanting to end this line of questioning without revealing too much.</p>
<p>“I’m… very capable of advocating for myself in bed and… usually I don’t even need to.”</p>
<p>“Every woman needs to advocate for herself.”</p>
<p>“Jasper’s very attentive.” Eva can tell from the look in Nelli’s eyes that she wants to pull this thread, wants to follow it to whatever piece of juicy gossip it leads to. Eva cuts that string before Nelli can even ask her next question. “And that’s all I’m going to say about that.”</p>
<p>“Alright, alright, but there’s no need to be ashamed about it, Eva. It’s completely natural.”</p>
<p>“I’m not ashamed, I’m just private,” Eva answers calmly, “Jasper and I both know the value of secrets and would like to keep our… physical relationship away from prying eyes.”</p>
<p>“I’m just trying to make sure you get everything you deserve and don’t settle for less.” When Eva offers no further information, Nelli adds, “Just tell me this. Are you… satisfied? So to speak?”</p>
<p><em> “Are you satisfied?” Jasper purred, lips trailing over her warm skin as she lay naked and pliant in his bed— </em> their <em> bed—after her third orgasm of the night, “Or do you want one more?”  </em></p>
<p>Eva smiles. “I’m more than satisfied at the moment and do not require Toreador sex tips to be so… But I appreciate the thought.”</p>
<p>“I’m not sure whether to be proud or offended,” Nelli admits before raising her glass in a slight toast, “So I’ll just say you both have my respect and I wish you the best of luck in whatever it is you two do.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Eva says, a hint of pride finding its way into her voice. She may not like discussing her sex life with everyone who asks, but impressing a Toreador in such matters is no small feat. She can’t help but be a little pleased with herself and Jasper for such an achievement.</p>
<p>“Now we’re almost done for the night,” Nelli says, finishing off the last of the blood in her glass, “My last piece of advice is simple: listen to yourself.”</p>
<p>“Just listen to myself?” Eva echoes.</p>
<p>“Yes. I can give you all the guidance and advice in the world, but in the end, you know yourself best. You know what makes you happy, what makes you feel alive, far better than I ever could. So follow that instinct.”</p>
<p>“What if my instincts are telling me to run and to fight and to kill to survive?” she asks, her earlier worries creeping back in.</p>
<p>“That kind of fear is human, too,” Nelli answers, “But it’s not all there is. And it’s definitely not all that you are. You’re one of the kindest Kindred I’ve ever been lucky enough to know, Eva. One of the gentlest, most helpful and selfless people I’ve met since my Embrace.”</p>
<p>“I’ve been straying from that path more and more every night it seems,” she admits, her voice quiet and hesitant.</p>
<p>“Straying from the path doesn’t mean abandoning it entirely.” Nelli reaches an upturned hand out across her desk and smiles when Eva moves to place her own hand on top of hers. “Sometimes the path is blocked or flooded and we need to step off of it so we can survive long enough to return somewhere down the line. The fact that you reached out to me means you haven’t lost sight of that path. Pausing to ask yourself if you’re wandering too far tells me you’re still on track.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Eva says again, squeezing Nelli’s hand before rising to her feet, “For everything you’ve done tonight. I really appreciate it.”</p>
<p>“I’m more than happy to help. And don’t be afraid to reach out again if you want another guided session or even if you just need someone to sit and talk with for a little while. Vamily looks out for each other, after all.”</p>
<p>The nickname makes Eva laugh. She feels lighter somehow. Her dark anxieties have not left her—there is still Strauss to deal with and Katya and the looming threat of an unbalanced war—but they do not weigh her down quite so heavily anymore. Now she has some actual steps for how to make it through this rage with her humanity still intact and having even the first semblance of a plan for her own well-being makes her feel more secure in herself.</p>
<p>“Now,” Nelli says, releasing Eva’s hand, “Have a great rest of your night.”</p>
<p>“I will... and same to you.” Her eyes sparkle with her smile as she adds, “Looks like I have a date night to plan.” She laughs again at how mundane it sounds in the midst of all this and Nelli’s own quiet laughter joins hers.</p>
<p>“Yes, you do. And don’t forget to say hello to Jasper for me.”</p>
<p>“I won’t.”</p>
<p>Eva moves to leave the office, but just as she reaches the door, Nelli’s voice stops her.</p>
<p>“And Eva?”</p>
<p>“Yes?” she responds, turning to look back at her.</p>
<p>“Take care of yourself.”</p>
<p>Eva smiles, soft and hesitant. It is a simple reminder, but one she desperately needs some nights. One they all need during times like these. She is grateful to have Nelli looking out for her and hopes, not for the first time and not for the last, that the others appreciate just how much she does for all of them.</p>
<p>“You, too, Nelli,” she says. </p>
<p>Eva can’t find the words to explain just how much this all means to her, but the smile Nelli gives her as she walks out of the office door makes her think she already knows.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading! In these very stressful times, I hope this story brought you a little joy and comfort. And as nervous as I am for tonight's episode, I know we'll get through whatever this show throws at us. Remember, comments and kudos are always very much appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>